I mean to address the issues that arose around the acolytes, fallen angels, or whatever animal name arose around myself and others during this time, with the governments all over me, asking me to be... I guess an icon. Yuck. They are deceptive, and a bit less than worthless, because the dead who you call saints reincarnated and are not listening to you. I am alive and trying to listen to you, but humans have grown so deceitful in these times.... they are afraid to tell the doctor their symptoms... leave him to guess from a few hints, yes, like they did with me in intelligence... lead us with no intel on what is happening in the world.... no, always lead yourself. Justice needs no explanation. Before the criminality was thrust on me, like the intelligence agencies and others.
I learned little of what was thought of me, but when I found out, my mistake of taking the entire world as my enemy, or someone I had to please... as I dealt with surreal jailors who showed me one reality on television with their messages, and another in my day to day, for the most part. The visits in the summer of the different groups I remember, saying people should rotate in to see the Christ if they wished... I remember saying all of these things, believing them the best solution at the time. I did not want to become the property of the wealthy, which is how I was introduced, bankers saying we bring you angels...
Only later when I was to offend you enough that you would openly criticize me was I able to get at the truth. I learned the only way to get your attention, to assure a response, was to be negative. I hated that. I wanted to verify something and wrote some criticism against someone I like to assure myself they were on my side... I was able to apologize, and stupidly believed at the time that if I did not publish it, it would not get rid. The extent of the cameras and the ability of people to react to things I WOULD NOT have made public.... I can be a hot head, but I calm down long before there I would hit someone. Let alone kill someone. WORDS ARE WORDS. BLOOD IS BLOOD. I believed there was a separation between my words and the blood. When I learned they were one and the same I did not know how to process all of it. I had to go over all the years and think of all the different groups, with different perspectives, who saw me ranting at the tv, who took me for a stripper... I have nothing against strippers...
When I realized my life was just some damn web show, not the unveiling of Christ, but a stripper thing because of where I put my dresser. The bedroom was filled with mary ann's crap and I could do nothing about people watching me, so I REBELLED by living just as I wanted. Not IN A WAY that was respectful, as I would have, had I known enough. No... as GOD WANTED ME TO BE, WRATHFUL and to tell you the bloody truth, I returned with a sword. This sword has killed few compared to the river of blood that will flow from it in the future, I DID NOT WANT many of the things you did, though some turned out to be the right thing. Staying out of it, even underground, was better than dying. A lot of people died that they hid from you. To say I planned for any of these things to happen... To pretend you understood me... for me to pretend you understood me? When I found it was assumed I was misogynist I was stunned... I had taken all these feminist philosophy classes, and in my writing never came off like that, or in my life. I was stupid when I was young about love.... but I learned.
I could not understand the Joker, the first mask, though I saw all the things I had done, dared you to kill me, and burning the money, and I do not want to ever remember much more. The blood of heath ledger is all over the people's hands who made that movie. The elite who fight the rise of a leader from the common man, with a big brain and even bigger balls... they saw I have a few powers and they rightfully fear them, as I do. The last thing in the world I wish to do is unleash the fire from the earth and the lightening from the sky across this planet... though in one ending of my story, this is my role here, to give you a good death, spare you the slow agony of your world falling apart and humans and animals dying out. Destroyed by your pollution. A green house effect started, which humans cannot stop, and is already self perpetuating. Nothing we can do will stop it. We could never pollute again, and the warming we have already seen is enough to keep the greenhouse going without us, until the atmosphere becomes pure acid.
I do not know what you angels did, or how you designated yourselves angels... I remember saying all gays are angels, which I would have corrected and given huge footnotes if I thought people were going to take me as serious as they did. I wanted gay people left alone and went too far that night. I was half out of my mind. Taking what I thought would be a brief moment in the media to say all these things people never hear. I wanted to be the voice of oppressed. I am here for them, and this I have told you from the beginning.
I was used in a mission, and you were convinced to go along. NOW that we know the truth, continuing on with our lives, and the corrected mission, worked out when I realized I was there to learn what they were up to, so I could fight them later, as I did... and we always will. Those at my back are not there for the sake of religion. I thought they were at first, not revolutionaries, who knowing none and seeing no signs there of... but there were all sorts of reasons. I thought my writing was the sum of my communication with the world, and finding out this was not true. UGH.... I JUST SHUT OFF THE COMPUTER and talked to you directly. There was nothing else I could do. Interrogated for the shit you did.
ALL OF YOU... NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO... AND NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION I HAVE NO WAY OF ANSWERING. You flash icons on tv one night and I see you are attacking someone... and another night... I ask why, I just want to know... I do not know what was happening or my answers would have been entirely different.
Now with a few years reflection on the tiny I know, I am humbled. Too humbled to speak on the matter that some found my life interesting, though at the same time, I would exchange all that in a heart beat to stop what became of this. I do not care about fame. I would like a bit more fortune, though I am fine, have always lived like I do, or worse. As long as my mission is not interfered with I just have to continue.
The mission I spoke of so much.... as I tried and tried to figure out what the hell you people were doing, and why the continued interest in me? Had I any idea of what I had unleashed, I would have shot the mad beast down. Or I would have not have driven them mad in the first place. Lying about me, hiding me, etc. The hostage shit. Lord, people... used me to their advantage. Or thought they were following orders from me. I do not know how to pick up the pieces of this and create a being that can go on... some days, The hells people went thru, that I sat there and heard about without understanding why these things were happening, let alone why were even telling me. You think I acted like a megalomaniac on that webcam at times, no... a megalomaniac would have believed they had always this hidden power, and used it. I acted in certain manners to try to keep an enemy at bay, these nebulous people who had the media saying things about me. NOW I SPEAK OF LATER.... after the time I TOLD YOU TO BURN ME, ANDYOU RESPONDED...THANK GOD.
Only your enemies will tell you the truth, I guess. Or you were not allowed in this case, evidently, to safely say much. I saw once on seth greens show a guy getting punched by a girl for putting down someone called Johnny... and I could tell it was about me, because they touched on the stuff I said a lot, as did others, as the world watched what many thought was a GOD, others a revolutionary leader.
This is where you humans, as I tend to call people when I allow the inner Jesus to come out and onto the page. This is not something I have Consciously done in awhile with my writing, though in another way that is always the subtext, the Christ within giving his take on the events.
God hears and knows all. Prayer is to bring you in touch with the Love of God. This is all.
No object can do God justice, and to pretend we know how he looks is... confusing to people and lessens the enormity. I saw the face of God and to say God, which you would no more apply a gender to than a grain of sand.... or what God wanted me to see as his face. The mask I needed to see at that time.
I
Dead people have nothing to do with the living, pretty much. They reincarnate.
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