battle weary

 BATTLE WEARY

Wounds never heal.

Slow bleed out.

I move thru blood soaked battlefields

sword at the ready

raised and fallen too many times to count.

Given up for dead and risen to destroy again

Too many times for the horror to fit in my memory.

Standing alone

the last alive

in a circle of dead friend and foe.

Believing only in paradise

makes me fight fearless, reckless, ready to die.

Living only because God seems to make it so.

In a world turned dark with lies and treachery

strive to fulfill the vague mission of a God

asking only the Golden Rule,

feeling unworthy of even the air I breath;

trying not to believe the perceptions of my enemies,

my mistakes already a cats of nine tails ripping my flesh

every waking moment.

The lies of war

bitter on my lips.

The taste of my blood longed for then repulsing..

longed for and repulsive, long for and repulsive....

The gentle one I was long dead.

The death screams of his beliefs

echo in my every word... unheeded.*

*Sadly in this world, I must add DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. These actions were taken by professionals, including the Armed Forces, and are NOT MEANT TO INSPIRE VIOLENCE, quite the opposite.... I do not want violence glorified, it deserves none.

There is a bit of a future left

 I am too harsh on politicians, saying things like I would never want to meet one, or these stars...  I do feel the revulsion I get around evil, or a decision God is telling me to me... and I thank God now I was not incorporated into that system, and have people enforce a personality for the press, which I would hide all my beliefs behind.   Revolution and change is bloody, chaotic...  involves the allies you disagree with on key issues, as long as the CLASS WAR is the banner they fight under;  this banner can have many names, though unless they tie back to this simple point, they are worthless.

The rich politicians will not tax themselves -- it was eighty percent once, a republican president said we did not need billionaires and taxed them.   Now we could take all but a billion from the billionaires and save the planet...  still leaving them too wealthy in my opinion, but if it saves lives, I am all for it.  However, should this not prove to be the case, I will be forced to use extreme, extreme measures.

You think I think I am better than you.   No one is 'better' than someone else.  A broken clock is correct once a day, as they say.  A man who puts out as many words as myself, and tends to stretch out what I mean by them, by the process of writing and exploring the idea.   Like this Hitler shit.  I had no idea brown meant hitler, though it explains why Oprah jumped right into this.   I have never even considered the thought of being a Nazi as anything except a form of insanity, pretty much.  I had no clue they existed to the extent they do... but the one night you showed me all these African Nazi's I imagine, from all over the world all happy for me.  Nazi's took over the world, and Christ, of all people, is taken for a Nazi?  Lord, FOX helped me even though we were on opposite sides, they did not know that.  They promoted diversity, I thought, with Glee, and other shows who had people trying to tell me who they were.   When I finally determined a bit of this 'family' they told me I was in, saying, WE ARE FAMILY... some guy on tv who I forget, had some stupid blooper show.  He did other things about the operation so I watched it.

      I was considered a Dog, who I must have some things in common with or they would not have followed me, though on other matters they need an EDUCATION.   That is all.  Logical people just need to be shown how systematic racism has been, and the harm this has caused the nation and the world and the citizens here.  I guess Fox are dogs.  I am not sure about all they believe in, but rejecting inter-racial marriage is not something I have any business saying it is wrong, when in fact I certainly think about the black women I was with, and though it would have messed up their plan, one I would have courted  to marry if she did not do crack.  I was drinking at the time.  We did it and it terrified me how much I liked it.   Two weeks I dreamt of that stuff...  the other, I was so ambitious at the time, so oriented toward writing that when she told me she did not know what she wanted to do, I was so disappointed... what stupid youth.  She had an education degree.   Though I have to be with a spy, and she probably saved my life though what was done behind my back sometimes chills me...  I try to see her and love her but there is always a part of me that thinks of the things she did... that tell me she knew what was happening, better than me.   In the first days of the bugging I thought since she turned on tv shows that were doing things about shit about me, she had to be a part.  Now I understand that a lot of shows, of course, turned to this.

You had people in boats afraid to come to shore, people living underground, people starting a religion based almost entirely on things I would not use to create my philosophy, let alone one I would wish to share with others in the way  I did.   I never explained myself.  Never let you know when I tested you to find out if you had been watching me my whole life, which really backfired sometimes... regardless, I would not have gone all egomaniacal, if I were the person I am now, or the person I was before they brainwashed me -- well, I guess they had been working on me all along if I am to believe this... even later, during the period of cia and war.

All that can matter to me is the present, and what I have learned from the past shapes that present, though it does FATE ME to any historical judgement yet.  Try as the right people might do to stop me, there seems to be people out there who do not want this to happen.  I must lead, because there is flock to whom I owe much, and wish to help heal.  I would not have put you through too much to think about.

I mourn what could have been, though I had no idea the lack of honor among thieves;  I hope we can find a place of agreement on peaceful co-existence minus-slave trafficking, minors, slavery...  I will fight these things with whatever means.   HOWEVER, I ask ONLY this, and then I just really prefer to go back to my live and let live shit.   I do not want you profiting off me, and you still are somehow or you would not be watching me?

What is my position...  once I could have asked and they would have told me...  You are still a hostage.  I have no clue?  After what has happened, and what tRump having power means to the cause of justice for all thing I strongly believe in;   or liberty for all.   That I was used to do the opposite, to force people to choose fake sides and this other crap, would make me laugh if this paragraph was not filled with such blood to those who know the operation I am referring to.  To those who read this who are not WITTING which in cia speak means initiated by a secret group, or intelligence, into how the world really works to some degree.  Need to know, or full out... this is kept from me...  UNWITTING is what you are no matter how much you have read unless are on the inside, recruited for an underground group, a spy network, in a cult that secretly works for the Intelligence, CIA I think has a lot of the Cult stuff, Jim Jones had a CIA Operative there on the last day, and is heard asking if he is around, JIM JONES IN THOSE AWFUL tapes he made of the last day.  A CIA agent showed up and suddenly the cult decided to kill their followers or convince or force them to die.  Many ran and were hunted down.

Whether Jones started out to do good or not, they can always put in a Messianic personality if they think they need one.  Got something like the Jesus Treatment, when they adjusted my personality for a mission...   the MENTAL HELL I entered was of no concern to those around me.  I had been told something was happening, that I was the Christ.   I should have went to Wrigley Field that day, and so much would be different, and that was my vision, I had developed in my story about aliens helping me cure the planet, or at least smite my enemies, after long days of cab driving, building up anger...  the fantasy was my revenge for getting ripped off all the time, and trying to deal with that.       Jimmy Hirtz stopped me.

Why?  Who did he work for -- seemed like the left at first, but since I have seen his other side, the cruelty his mother instilled in him by bullying him as a child..  what a fucking thing.   Being mean to a child who you gave birth to?  Most women would not tolerate that from others doing it to their kids, but then there are...   I know two causalties of family bullying, a few of sexual abuse by parents... ugh, both times involve the mothers, and the one the father as well -- she had a maddening beauty about her, but when she heard me rationalize this shit about my brother in law... she flew into a rage that I did not report them, though her parents bought her off and kept their fucking careers.  She was nuts, wanted me to give her head and get nothing out of it, as some guy asked her in a parking lot and she let him in her car....  Oh, well...  she was so messed up, it was certainly best that I did not become enthralled with her beauty. 

I always was that way with super hot women.  M. was when I met her, then for a time...  twenty years now.  I fat shamed on the tv...   a madness overtook me, and I blamed the lack of sex on M's weight which was never the case.  Barbara gained weight and we still banged all the time, then she lost weight, got in shape.   I wish she would, but I find her attractive as she is.  I grew up with a very obese mother, stretch marks everywhere, who ran around the house nude on occasion, to the bathroom or something..  and it put a mark in my head, that made me not often feel a lot of initial attraction to women who are very overweight.   Now, I could meet this charming person and have my libido arouse, by love and initiation and all kinds of things...   I am sorry.  The pain this caused is beyond my understanding.

Had I any clue what I looked like from the other side off the looking glass, as I often longed to for those who believed I was Jesus, I would certainly have never done these things.  I wanted so to join you after it was too late...  but I was in no condition, and that was either not part of the plan, or my own cognizant dissonance, just not wanting to believe.  I do not know.  My plan by then was so engulfed in whatever was going on around me unseen, that I was battered by the winds from side to side, with no clue who wanted me to do what?   What had I done?

I made fun of whites when it started because I wanted those who were barely represented to be heard, same as I did when I recruited a black actor for the children's show the tv thing....  because there were not enough black role models on tv.... something I had read about and felt I would change as much as possible, as well as other things.   I went too far.  I did not mean to offend people, but I also did not know there was this racist undercurrent, and a plan to genocide the blacks.. no chickens on the live list...  I wrote innocently enough, after moving to a Mexican hood, that I wanted to save all the chickens, live ones they slaughtered where the cheapest cigarettes around were;    you could see in, if you deigned to look, and see a bit of the cages, the room where they are kept.  You hear roosters, etc.... rabbits are also slaughtered there, another thing I could have mentioned.

That night on the news I saw you declare me white, and evidently an apes hair had been cut off, showing underneath a rough, prison tattoo reading WHITE.

I was asked so many times to join the blacks or whites but I have held firm, I am  WHITE, and seek justice for all.  Everyone on the planet.  The color of a class warrior is not an issue, except to their personal life, where celebrating their heritage is why we fight, so all people can do so, without judgement, and be heard as equals on issues, and experts on others, like being black.  I suspect white people who write about black issues like they understand from some sorrow of their own that they know pain like a black person, etc...  that is a folly I do not have.   Hampton said it in that speech so well, yellow power for yellow people, brown power for brown people, white power for white people, black power for black people... red power for red people.   And he brought us all together as working class folk who are not each others enemies at all, but together we can identify them and attack....  he wrote that he did not want black capitalism, either, be wanted black socialism.  He knew this leveling of humanity into a means where all share in the bounty, not a minute few.  Now it is so much worse.

Whomever was in charge of destroying the unions did it...   collective bargaining fell apart.  No more spirit to fight.  Broken down by making you poorer, more dependent on food stamps, etc... they got ya then, have to follow their rules, and pretty much like me with my dissolved spine, seven back surgeries have been enough to make life bearable as long as I do not do too much and have drugs, get that check and are grateful for my pittance;  the lack of housing vouchers available to the disabled is a disgrace in Chicago.

Can we bring them back quick enough to make that much of a difference.    

Anyways, I am against no race, or intelligence level, or weight or just about anything, I would be a libertarian on many issues, but other parties on other issues, though I would go further left than politics allow.

  

connections

I know of the Watchers, enemies and friends alike, though I am a bit suspicious of all intents;  I have to trust there is good in people;  though I also have to be aware some show this selectively.  If not in behavior, then thought.

I once thought I would write words that meant something, and the life I lived would take care of itself..  but no, didn't happen.  The words I wrote drove some to murder, others to supremacy, some to a madness of sorts.  I was discombobulated, by the experiences with brain washing.  Never allowed to have a mind of my own.  Always directed.  This then was carried out on fish to the tenth extreme, exactly what I would not want.  I appreciate that this is war, and if I can be of advantage to people of all colors and beliefs, almost, to freedom of thought, and the individual, I will do so.   '

I say I lean left because that is the closest to how I see humans living.  I thought they might, but... the climate is gone, a Greenhouse, the self-perpetuating process grows worse every year, a hundred degrees in the Arctic, broke all records and scared the hell out of the Scientists studying the matter.

My place I know now in the apocalyptic event is certain NOT to be worshipped.  Not to be in Charge.  The Christ wanted action on the environment, to preserve the future, had a vision of how we might live, utopian dreams with no substance.  Instead the last will live underground.   I will be an old man, though certainly alive, when the collapse comes.  My work before that

Should I bother using terms of Christianity, now so mired in the filth of modern usages?

    Everyone asked of the Messiah how they were supposed to live, when indeed they already knew, scientists and honest social planners have all of this down.  We as a species have never applied them.  I would a movement arose based on the science, rather the opinions, and corporate spins keeping the citizens of the USA losing lives to un-needed slave wage jobs..

the eating of flesh, human and otherwise...

I mean to address the issues that arose around the acolytes, fallen angels, or whatever animal name arose around myself and others during this time, with the governments all over me, asking me to be... I guess an icon.  Yuck.  They are deceptive, and a bit less than worthless, because the dead who you call saints reincarnated and are not listening to you.   I am alive and trying to listen to you, but humans have grown so deceitful in these times....  they are afraid to tell the doctor their symptoms... leave him to guess from a few hints, yes, like they did with me in intelligence... lead us with no intel on what is happening in the world.... no, always lead yourself.   Justice needs no explanation.   Before the criminality was thrust on me, like the intelligence agencies and others.

I learned little of what was thought of me, but when I found out, my mistake of taking the entire world as my enemy, or someone I had to please...  as I dealt with surreal jailors who showed me one reality on television with their messages, and another in my day to day, for the most part.   The visits in the summer of the different groups I remember, saying people should rotate in to see the Christ if they wished...   I remember saying all of these things, believing them the best solution at the time.   I did not want to become the property of the wealthy, which is how I was introduced, bankers saying we bring you angels...

Only later when I was to offend you enough that you would openly criticize me was I able to get at the truth.  I learned the only way to get your attention, to assure a response, was to be negative.  I hated that.  I wanted to verify something and wrote some criticism against someone I like to assure myself they were on my side...  I was able to apologize, and stupidly believed at the time that if I did not publish it, it would not get rid.   The extent of the cameras and the ability of people to react to things I WOULD NOT have made public....  I can be a hot head, but I calm down long before there I would hit someone.   Let alone kill someone.   WORDS ARE WORDS.  BLOOD IS BLOOD.   I believed there was a separation between my words and the blood.  When I learned they were one and the same I did not know how to process all of it.   I had to go over all the years and think of all the different groups, with different perspectives, who saw me ranting at the tv, who took me for a stripper...  I have nothing against strippers...

When I realized my life was just some damn web show, not the unveiling of Christ, but a stripper thing because of where I put my dresser.   The bedroom was filled with mary ann's crap and I could do nothing about people watching me, so I REBELLED by living just as I wanted.   Not IN A WAY that was respectful, as I would have, had I known enough.   No...  as GOD WANTED ME TO BE, WRATHFUL and to tell you the bloody truth, I returned with a sword.  This sword has killed few compared to the river of blood that will flow from it in the future,  I DID NOT WANT many of the things you did, though some turned out to be the right thing.   Staying out of it, even underground, was better than dying.  A lot of people died that they hid from you.   To say I planned for any of these things to happen...   To pretend you understood me...   for me to pretend you understood me?   When I found it was assumed I was misogynist I was stunned...  I had taken all these feminist philosophy classes, and in my writing never came off like that, or in my life.   I was stupid when I was young about love....  but I learned.

I could not understand the Joker, the first mask, though I saw all the things I had done, dared you to kill me, and burning the money, and I do not want to ever remember much more.   The blood of heath ledger is all over the people's hands who made that movie.  The elite who fight the rise of a leader from the common man, with a big brain and even bigger balls...   they saw I have a few powers and they rightfully fear them, as I do.   The last thing in the world I wish to do is unleash the fire from the earth and the lightening from the sky across this planet...  though in one ending of my story, this is my role here, to give  you a good death, spare you the slow agony of your world falling apart and humans and animals dying out.  Destroyed by your pollution.  A green house effect started, which humans cannot stop, and is already self perpetuating.  Nothing we can do will stop it.  We could never pollute again, and the warming we have already seen is enough to keep the greenhouse going without us, until the atmosphere becomes pure acid.

I do not know what you angels did, or how you designated yourselves angels...  I remember saying all gays are angels, which I would have corrected and given huge footnotes if I thought people were going to take me as serious as they did.   I wanted gay people left alone and went too far that night.   I was half out of my mind.   Taking what I thought would be a brief moment in the media to say all these things people never hear.   I wanted to be the voice of oppressed.   I am here for them, and this I have told you from the beginning.

I was used in a mission, and you were convinced to go along.   NOW that we know the truth, continuing on with our lives, and the corrected mission, worked out when I realized I was there to learn what they were up to, so I could fight them later, as I did...  and we always will.   Those at my back are not there for the sake of religion.  I thought they were at first, not revolutionaries, who knowing none and seeing no signs there of...  but there were all sorts of reasons.   I thought my writing was the sum of my communication with the world, and finding out this was not true.  UGH....   I JUST SHUT OFF THE COMPUTER and talked to you directly.   There was nothing else I could do.  Interrogated for the shit you did.

ALL OF YOU... NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO...  AND NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION I HAVE NO WAY OF ANSWERING.    You flash icons on tv one night and I see you are attacking someone...   and another night...   I ask why, I just want to know...  I do not know what was happening or my answers would have been entirely different.

Now with a few years reflection on the tiny I know, I am humbled.  Too humbled to speak on the matter that some found my life interesting, though at the same time, I would exchange all that in a heart beat to stop what became of this.  I do not care about fame.  I would like a bit more fortune, though I am fine, have always lived like I do, or worse.  As long as my mission is not interfered with I just have to continue.

The mission  I spoke of so much.... as I tried and tried to figure out what the hell you people were doing, and why the continued interest in me?  Had I any idea of what I had unleashed, I would have shot the mad beast down.   Or I would have not have driven them mad in the first place.  Lying about me, hiding me, etc.   The hostage shit.   Lord, people...   used me to their advantage.  Or thought they were following orders from me.  I do not know how to pick up the pieces of this and create a being that can go on...  some days,   The hells people went thru, that I sat there and heard about without understanding why these things were happening, let alone why were even telling me.    You think I acted like a megalomaniac on that webcam at times, no...   a megalomaniac would have believed they had always this hidden power, and used it.  I acted in certain manners to try to keep an enemy at bay, these nebulous people who had the media saying things about me.  NOW I SPEAK OF LATER....  after the time I TOLD YOU TO BURN ME, ANDYOU RESPONDED...THANK GOD.

Only your enemies will tell you the truth, I guess.  Or you were not allowed in this case, evidently, to safely say much.   I saw once on seth greens show a guy getting punched by a girl for putting down someone called Johnny... and I could tell it was about me, because they touched on the stuff I said a lot, as did others, as the world watched what many thought was a GOD, others a revolutionary leader.

This is where you humans, as I tend to call people when I allow the inner Jesus to come out and onto the page.   This is not something  I have Consciously done in awhile with my writing, though in another way that is always the subtext, the Christ within giving his take on the events.








  God hears and knows all.  Prayer is to bring you in touch with the Love of God.   This is all.

  No object can do God justice, and to pretend we know how he looks is...   confusing to people and lessens the enormity.   I saw the face of God and to say God, which you would no more apply a gender to than a grain of sand....   or what  God wanted me to see as his face.  The mask I needed to see at that time.

I


  Dead people have nothing to do with the living, pretty much.   They reincarnate.

JESUS TALK

I heard butterflies die if you set them free from their cocoons,
because they learn co ordination and vigor and strength fighting their way out.
I have no idea if this is true or not.

The creature I am
broke through the granite walls that were my cocoon.
Granite cocoons with walls so thick
most never dream there is a world
outside of their cocoon

I broke out with the help of many lives

I broke out only to walk blindly into a battlefield
with no idea who was friend or foe
 swinging at everyone

thinking anyone who shed blood my enemy
convinced myself the carnage
had nothing to do with me

I told them give me ten years to process this becoming
Feared the flood of lepers who would crush me on this earth
enough to wait for the internet
The plans of GOD THRU HUMYNS
to bring the radicals messages to the world

a scientific voice sheltered in the love of God
in a time when art and religion fought the march of progress
fearing what Frankenstein's would be released on the world
Atom bombs seemed to confirm the worst beliefs on the naysayers
even the inventors coming out afterward half mad
one living without electricity preaching against what he had done
for the rest of his life

I think of how I was judged thru the lens of a book of ruler lies
tax payer lies
power hungry priests
words written in tribute to man not God
in between the Poetry inspired enough to guide men thru the centuries
the small treasure of universal truths
as flexible as ever though good enough for most
the Golden Rule HAD TO BE SUPPRESSED to keep the wealthy
special, treated with dignity



I never wanted you to watch me/never had a choice
they told me of these cameras
I would not go along
I could not believe this was happening to me
hidden on tv or known around the world
all being taken wrong
hijacked by a Jesus who did not want to be worshiped

I did not know you were fighting the blacks
this ridiculous side trip on the march to justice and peace
enraged me enough to kill to stop this
those who try to keep these fires raging
on either side are going to burn each other down
I do not care how old your feuds or the body count
the young minds torn by war
the women burned in piles as Bush danced with glee
on the white house lawn

There are only two sides and the differences sown between us
is perhaps why Jesus said if a man smacks you offer him your other cheek
to say we should not allow people to goad us into making them our enemies
So far I have let no group stereotype in my mind into the grand schemers
or the evil cabals
I see humans within these hives
I see humans in the enemies uniforms
I see humans wanting me dead and forgotten
Irrelevant

I am beyond that now even if the world goes to shit
Because some folks on this planet knew what I wrote
was me all along
not the creature you left drugged and in pain imprisoned in ignorance
not the deadly one
who spawned hellish realities
from a scripture written by a vengeful God
who could barely tell if he was having any effect at all
a man who did not know enough
not to follow his impulses,
still acting on the inspiration of God
regretting afterwards...
almost apologetic

until 20/20 blessed me with knowing the right thing had happened
too bloody and complex for me to have ever orchestrated
I wrote to choose a side against or for the one percent
Suddenly I learned there were various sides in this fight

When I was pressured whether I am one race or another
I was never going to answer their question with a fealty
that I did not offer any humyn
I was thought to have decided from a comedy story
where I needed a recognizable religious figure
to make my point/chosen almost by random
along with a few bums, cops, and penguins and the pope
who God was really there to pick up

from this they were told I had chosen a side
others were told I was a pure revolutionary
with a conscious agenda on my mind

In my mind I was so pissed off at what was happening
in my life
how I seemed to ruin everything good
the brainwashing taking my decorum
myself
the person I was
and adding over or opening up a groundswell
of sweet inspiration in the voice of the one
called the Son of God
the messenger
the caretaker
superman avowed only to avert
his powers against meteors should one come
at the planet
an alien who cannot interfere
because he is not allowed
only to witness
the revolutionary leftest

I have no clue what is true
what is the imagination
the rationalizations
more distance from the dead
from the sound of those calling for my death
sending messages thru the media
with dylan now
who threatened my life and for this
and other services to the cia
got the nobel peace prize

what a joke the game is when a man
who helped kill the unions perhaps more
than any other
by pretending he was woody gutherie
part of music as a weapon for the people
when he was a subterfuge who would
make up lyrics on a fourth grade level
filled with emotion and elusive enough
for the deluded and the led
not even to have noticed
the politics were out of music

They were no longer writing union songs
no longer about supporting the oppressed
the would be yuppies grouped around the mkultra
icon

he now presents himself with my old allies
before I knew what was happening
and whom I never would have hurt had I known
I do not want to take any sides...  though your alleigence
in any way honors me and I am ashamed of what you saw
in my time of ignorance

If you do not understand how I fought for your rights
how far I tried to take you into the public mind as just people
if you truly think
I would abandon this
then you have not understood a heart felt word
George and Dave were my best friends
Dave was kinder, never fought, spent the nights there
just watching tv and talking
I used him in a story when this started
speaking of a love that would never have been in real life
where I never considered having sex with a man

and a middle aged man who was wizened a bit on the issue

taking the world this way and that on their perception of me
when I knew others had been watching me forever


I watched the events unfolding thinking I had nothing to do with most
of it until that position became impossible

In the video where I was threatened
dylan showed himself leading mexican's down the street
now he is suddenly appearing on a gay oriented album
fairly unlike the curmudgeon who would not pick up
a noble prize for literature -- a joke that even his ego
had to find hurtful I hope

I have always protected the gays and went too far
when I was just tossing out words at people
not thinking they were going to let me rant again
or drugged out of my mind
saying Gays are angels, without a thought
to the implications

I did not want to create angels
I did not want to create followers
     i WISHED to bring together like thinkers

I KNOW there must be new thinking
built on the scriptures of old
enriched by science and the thinking of every era

Truth never stops growing
religions that do not accept this will drive people
away from God

The fundamentalists make God absurd

God is not absurd
God is not relevant to your life
God exists and life is eternal
Ways of living given to the children that
keep them at peace with one another
offer justice to all

God's knowledge makes ours seem like non-sequesters
I cannot call myself a Christian after what has become
of the messages of Christ
the wisdom of the Jews
and the religions that created them
most forgotten now


I have memories of times before recorded history
of times brutal and forgotten
the longest period of human development
where come most of the memories of the oldest souls

I told stories to the bugs about these times
in the trances that came
or the imaginations that keep me company in my cell

I had the worlds eyes upon me and did not know
I am sorry I just found this SORDID when I learned this
I am sorry that I was not more clear
I am sorry that I was unaware of your secrets
I asked you to keep no secrets and it is all you did

I felt I was in a Vonnegut novel, the couple trapped
in a zoo

what became of him
I wrote of Vonnegut the first few days
when the worlds attention was affixed
when the voice of God filled me and all
things seemed possible
until I discovered I was to be left in pain
then I rebelled against anyone who would do this to a person
then I accepted that I was created to be a bomb
sitting under a city
holding a dead man's switch
set to go off in minds all over the world
I PRAY
when the day comes
we do what is best for all
Just KNOW I will NEVER do what is best for YOU
the big YOU that has the power bases around the world

I could not figure out what was happening
my terror turned to rage
and I blamed targets who were innocent
never thought to go back and expand on what I mean
that is what writer's do
develop the thought
I will NEVER allow
them to crucify me
Try as they might
my fate is God's to do with as He will



I cannot steal back the footage of my life
make it inadmissible in court
tell the jury they cannot consider
the ravings of a prisoner who did not know
what he was talking about
other than trying to preserve his own life
to continue his war against the people
who were doing this to him
the unjust in the world
to continue ...
 death
the lover I had courted
often enough my enemies and allies knew
my fate is not in their bullets
or their words
my fate is the work of a Loving God




once I knew there was God to be experienced
the freedom of being soul again
on the other side of bullets
sticks
and stones
nukes

I knew there would be many things to fight for to forge a new world
blood spilled needed direction at specific targets
by co olitions that disdain racism, sexism, anti-semetics
no stereotypes would be allowed to dissolve the individual
in the class war

the battle to set the scale right and save the world
which will not happen unless sanity is enforced
on the planet by those in leadership
and that means changing most of them
for a new force

we need a world wide
emergency government
to deal with the crises in this world
a terror of a leader who unites the planet peacefully
as possible
treading light enough to avoid any more senseless
wars

I see the logic in the thinking of those behind the plan
they used me in, operation blue beam...
though their view of the future was out dated
products of their times and prejudices and thinking
a world I will not help create

I was told getting into an argument with a guy
and writing a letter a letter asking jessie jackson
to acknowledge me, having no idea what was happening
around me
and used an unfortunate turn of phrase
that was taken as a declaration of war....
no, it was an invitation to get involve or stay out of the way

Just stupid poetics.  All my life I have lived my life as a person who was not at all racist about blacks.  I had plenty of black mentors when I was eighteen
after ending up broke, living in texas, in a dorm owned and housed with
almost all black guys
I was a bookish kid who had read of the evil racists
all my life and would have nothing to do with them

For this people died.
Without consulting the one
who you decided would make these decisions
when I was not qualified
A man should not lead the women
A guy like me should not lead the gays
I do not want to lead anyone

I feel compelled to do as my God asks
to write
this is what He made me for a reason

There are days I think it is unseemly to even
write a word
after what has happened
though I am not going to allow what happened
to silence me
enough have been silenced
in this world

I would wash off all of the blood from my words
and walk among you scientifically and as I am
if I were not a tool, a puppet, a front guy
driving the religious mad
I warned you right away what would happen
saw it coming

I never imagined a short story
based a true story
about a boyfriend killing a young girls parents
then driving off'
They had basically just destroyed their lives'
would go to prison
nothing would ever be right again

I did not feel I needed to add that
I imagined people knew better than to kill their parents
for any reason at all
or anyone almost ever



we need to change our system of governing the world
bring the priorities back to quality of life
working towards existences with as little labor
as possible
a fact our present leaders ignore
to earn their thirty pieces of silver
to keep the oligarchy safe
from those pesky laws
that would stop child labor and make the stocks drop

THE REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH
has to be the rallying cry of the citizens of all nations
many governments will go along to bring a peace
lasting
a usa that does not threaten to use nukes
a usa trying to get rid of the sins of our fathers
until there is not one left on this planet

do I sound Utopian?
a future for the many
has this already been ruled out?
will it be for the culled?

blackstar

So like so many in the entertainment business, Bowie chose to put his worthless two cents into the propaganda machine against me.  He came closer than most at least, acknowledging the brainwashing, saying I died and then I AM. took over my life.

That much is partially true.  Being brainwashed was one of the worst experiences of my life, and the results...  too much for me to bear, without the always adjacent thought of 'so many had it worse I have no room to bitch...'   though of course I do.

The idea that I wanted to be surveilled all the time is where the problems started.  Hiding from me the extent of my fame, after making me homeless and leaving me in excruciating pain, not to mention what was being done by groups I named as FORGIVEN....  I felt everyone should be forgiven, that was the first thought I had after the brainwashing, which was followed by another hospitalization.  And perhaps another, I forget.  The period for me was one of feeling hunted, and wanting to kill.... to destroy...  

I HAD NEVER had such thoughts prior to this, though I am now told my brain was washed through out my life, which makes sense of things non-sensical.  

I WANT TO ADDRESS his comment I am not a gangster.  I had no clue people's money was being taken from them, because I sure never saw a dime of it, and could have used it at times...   people think I wanted that...  then answer me why I said, at what in hindsight is another thing I would not have done that day, was to say attack the mob.  That and the masturbation film changed everything, taking me down a dark path when I finally was told what the hell was happening.

I wrote sensationalistic shit to promote a radio show, and part of that was driving cab for a mobbed up bunch.  That was my only dealing with them.   I refused stolen blood money twice...  again not exactly how a mobster would act.   I believed I was having a spiritual war with a world I could not comprehend.  I FELT like I HAD been shunted aside, and for some reason the tv people, some, seemed to be working with me, educating people on certain things, fighting homophobia, racism, anti-Semitism.  I wrote this all the time, yet....  behind my back were the various groups, who AT FIRST I just seemed to feel like everyone was a criminal, hearing what I did...


I am done trying to convince people of the truth.  Too many know so much more than me and no one is talking.   I do not give a damn about being hated anymore.  That is your problem.  I am going to do my best to ignore such things.   I can't always, but I will try to love where there is hate when possible.

I HAVE said all this way too many times....   but people thinking I was a Nazi, that was horrifying and took my words out of context.   I did not even know how powerful the Nazi's were, let alone that they worked with me.   All of those revelations were a horror to me.  Churches based on looking at my life and thinking I was giving messages was so beyond the scope of what I knew.

I was the one who stopped the excesses.   Or tried to.   I did not just go along like I would have were the charges against me true.   I have had a live and let live philosophy in my life, mostly, though the very act of writing something down makes a didactic at times, and my criticism, which I thought had no power, seemed to have.

I now will use my power for what I consider good.  You by now should understand my politics have been the same practically since I was a child.  My only changes have been on gun control, which knowing what I know now, I believe the second amendment is needed.




Fukishama released 777 tons of toxic waste into the Pacific ocean.  I wrote two weeks before that tsunami a bad cruel joke, about nuking Japan over the dolphin slaughters.  I wanted the slaughters stopped....   I was not sure how much control I had over things like the weather, etc.  I think if it comes down to it you all are going to be pretty damned surprised by what I can do, though I have a hell of a lot more control than I let on.   I was psychologically at war with people who wanted to care about me, wanted me to act as their role model, etc... when I was certainly in no state for such a thing, and part of what I felt was a rebellion against a monolithic government that was constantly fucking with me, at home thru the tv which would make me sound nuts to anyone I told it to.   I read over what I wrote and see the brainwashing, how I was changed....

I would have been a better person had I known you had people involved in a church based upon me.  I could design a great church, better than any out there, should I choose to, though I do not.  Religion is a corruption of faith for some, and a catalyst for others.   I do not agree 100% with any religion, and now refuse to be a part of them for this reason.  The bible is a ridiculous document if you take it too seriously.  Without historical perspective on the people and times, let alone the metaphors taken as the 'truth' is just stupid.  I do not know what my status is with you people at this point.

I have decided that all of you are right.  I am white.  I take the 'white' side so to speak.  I ADVOCATE FOR ALL PEOPLE...  and do not think whites are better, and I think races should mix, frankly, as much as possible, not to dilute other cultures, but to be enriched by both.   Rather see a black and white marriage of love than a war of hate.

I will not fight on either side in a race war, unless it looks like one side is going to slaughter the other.  Like was happening with the blacks.  When you told me that I ordered you to have a race war....   the insanity of this was obviously catching.  Now I fear the madness I evoked, and feel partially responsible for tRump, having fought against the entire system at the time.  I made a mistake, more than likely, but ramping up talk about a war with Russia was terrifying to me, and I thought that is what she was doing... plus all belief in the system left me when they screwed sanders, the only left wing candidate to really rise since perhaps Carter.

I AM I AM I AM.   This I cannot change.  I believe I have been being reborn and helping steer humanity since before you were humans, and many other things....  but I do not know anything about angels and demons.  I do believe in miracles, my deaths and coming back to life, living through having an open artery bleeding inside me that miraculously stopped....  a first in human history at that point.   How can such things be explained?   I am not normal, obviously.   I do not care about any of these things, and do not need others to believe what I believe, and in fact would prefer they find their own paths.  If I can be of any help, it must always be with the knowledge that facts will make me change my mind.   I would not write anything in stone, besides the Golden Rule.  That is enough for me.

I know I sound like an apologist for myself.  I am.   No one else seems to give a shit about the truth.