Easter Thoughts

     My  muddled mind at first mistook myself for Jesus himself, though I knew I was nothing like the Jesus I read about and that I was not about to change to be some figure in the bible.  I was not going to look at that book as a script.

Later, I came down from the trauma enough to understand I am Scott.  Born into a time, and created by the time, to be what my sacrificial soul does, leads the way down some path the authorities do not want traveled.  At first the way is narrow, dangerous, guarded even...  then there are too many people to stop taking the path, and roads begin to stretch out, as far as they are needed. 

I remember Jesus as black personally, not that this meant the same thing then as now, it just was nothing...    just the same spirit flying thru flesh, same as any soul.  Chosen one.  Such an over used phrase now and meaningless as always.  We are all chosen.  Some of us will be placed in the position to be able to act and will do so with noblesse oblige every time they are allowed.  Others are.... part of God's plan that I will not even bother trying to understand.

The more I think I understand of this world, beyond the revealed science and philosophy, our latest bibles of the times...   the more I find those who try to make laws based on ancient biblical passages repulsive.  Zealots whose need to believe has been exploited, or perhaps they are wired that way for a certain place in a hierarchy?  I can only speculate.

So many specific orders and ways of being damned were being used when I awoke to preaching as Jesus, that my first order of business was trying to stop the fear of damnation and this idea of hell from being a motivating factor in religion.   I even used the metaphor of battling into hell to save the innocent and the damned alike, though I have since realize I do know if these things exist...  if they do then I will take my chances that God is Love.  I would rather worship Love than anything else on this planet.

So many rules and edicts were said to come from me, when I am the opposite of this, that I feel imprisoned by disinformation.  I saw once andy dick, who was one of the first celebrities I felt I had contacted,  snorting cocaine and knew they were asking me something... and I felt they were wondering if people went to hell for this...   I tried to say I did not care about that, or think God did, but I did not mean to tell people to start snorting cocaine.  I find cocaine has caused serious problems, but that is not enough for God to abandon a person.  This is all I meant.

My message was too simple for you to understand.  You expected layer after layer when I did not know what you were doing, though thinking I did I made statements out of ignorance.  You thought criticism and mocking was a prelude to war.  Had I known the throne you thought I was sitting on, in my bed bug filled apartment where I felt tortured morning to night, without massive amounts of drugs..  I would have shut my mouth.  Tempered my criticism.  Given up on ever being a private citizen, or having a normal, though I thought successful, life.  I do not deserve that now. 

THE CANNABALISM

The eating of human flesh.  I read over waking up jesus and came across the poem that must have solidified this belief.   I heard of various instances of this, on ships for reasons that are unclear -- and make me glad when they kept talking about some ship of mine that I finally said, HEY, THAT IS NOT MY SHIP...  after realizing I was being associated with something I didn't yet understand.  All those teaching moments for me, written in blood, in letters huge enough to fill city streets from coast to coast...

I know of what I have said of sausage.  I know no details, other than I what I THOUGHT was a joke, soon enough proved to be something else I laughed at on the webcam, looking psychotic as hell.  When in reality I would not have been laughing at all, but I was not in reality, I was in a mental cage, a prison, far from reality.   Believing life was not what they were telling me, but what I had come to believe, to cope with the intrusion into my existence, and the horrors I  could not even face...  or when I did felt so helpless that...  as  I feel now.  "At least you have your arms."   I saved the jobs of men who cut off the arms of people who tried to launch an internet revolution, instead of sticking to the OPERATION BLUEBEAM script they had going.  People thought there was no army behind me because they were told this.  What a crock of shit.  Said to hide the army behind me, though I believed their lies.

When you have absolutely NO ONE to whom you can discuss your existence, as I do, who can relate, there is little more I can do except write down the events.   The problem is that I am wrong, and at times loath to put me in the harsh light I deserve for certain actions.  That is not because I do not feel it, it means these are the secrets I will keep, because most often those are the memories that would hurt current allies, or bring names into this who acted on orders that did not seem monstrous at the time, or became so... or were.   I have to FORGIVE EVERYONE.   I do not have to trust you, or even let you live, though part of forgiving is giving people a chance at redemption, once that has proven impossible  I am done -- and if I decide ahead of time, now that so many failed this test in the best to bloody results on my side...  if you have no chance, die.   I however am not your cliche' Christian when it comes to judging people.   AND I DO NOT THINK death is the end, or a sentence to hell for eternity.

I know of what happened in Colorado from four mentions in the press.  I do not know what happened there.    Watched Dominion after a spy said those are your people.  All these lesser angels.  Where the hell did these ideas come from?   Angels.   I wish the idea had never entered peoples minds as they did not in my case until  I used them as metaphors, and pondered them, after waking up Jesus.  I wish now I had never used the word.  No privileges should be afforded to people for being anything.  Nor should any crap.   Angels.  I have never met one, that I know of.  A ghost is the only supernatural creature I have met.  Though once, when I was bed ridden, and laying in a bed at street level, I turned over and there in the window, inches from me, was an alien face, complete with saliva on the teeth and so realistic, noting like a mask could make or anything, about four foot high.  It did look a bit demonic with pointed ears.  A huge mouth with teeth that were dirty and dripping saliva...  the absolute realism of the object convinced me either it was a hallucination or real.   I had never had a hallucination before without LSD, and nothing remotely like this.

Though since they had plans for me, perhaps they spent the godzillion dollars on the make up... star wars had just come out?   They tried to be careful with me, create the leader of a one world religion out of a guy who would show angelic tendencies one moment, then be an asshole in the next.

MODERN FAMILY

I was humbled by your work for the cause.  I was humbled when I heard one of you say I AM GETTING A NEW TATTOO, after I wrote about kill or be killed.  I also heard, TELL HIM WHAT HE DID TO MODERN FAMILY.  I did not mean for you to be the person who was there when I suddenly realized this feed was directly into my life and all kinds of people were watching me, when they flashed a picture of me in my green house coat, with the camera angle from the tv....   I felt cheapened by that, not you...  not you... God, no.  I heard you dissed and tried to clear that up as quick as possible..

I did not know many things at that point.  Of course.  I think of that moment a lot, is my point.  I know that on certain matters we disagree, and on other matters you feel like I betrayed you.  No.  I did what I believed was best for all people, not one.  The idea that some are chosen and some are not is what gets us into these messes.  Equality is what is needed, and instead of the shoulder to shoulder I wrote of so many times, i was thrust into a role that I never wanted. 

I do not know the state of affairs.   I do not know if you have gotten over this racial barrier, if you are feeling like only a few people get to live still, or what...  I know I sure see a lot of stuff.  Like HEART INDUSTRIES on the BLOOD RACE or whatever the show was, where only the cop lived.   I saw the batman and how superman was going to commit suicide and then is saved by batman.  Batman had nothing to do with it.  You lie and lie and lie.  Masonic shit I do not care about.  I will not join your club of secrecy, though I sure would like to know what you are doing for my own edification.   I know there are some good people in these organizations, or whatever...  though they know where I come from now, and whether they are with me or against me, I have no idea.  I walk this earth alone, especially now that you put me in a spotlight.  When you accused me of asking for that torture I wanted to kill you so bad, yo you ma.   I have to forgive people... one moment you liked me, the next we were enemies, and all because you people never told me what was happening.   As soon as you did I tried my best to stop it,, but I sure as hell did not know what I was doing.

I have just been getting educated so far.  At this point, I write that I am pissed at people and want blood, but that is not really true, I suppose.  I do not need revenge, much as I want it...  lust for it..  the monster in me screams for blood.  I will not however allow you to slander people, calling them fallen angels, when in fact they are the victims of intelligence using religion and cults for their own purposes.  I have no idea what I am.  I do not know how much of me is created by them, or God.  I know I have seen miracles, and had very bizarre experiences over the years.   I also know I was brainwashed...  at the same time, what if I did start to grow wings... why else would they give me all that chemotherapy...  why....  wings.  Makes sense if they used alien dna.  or whatever.

I do not care what is true or not as far as the mystical is concerned, I love my God of love.  I love my God of the Golden Rule, who I saw in a vision the night I saw myself destroying the earth.   Where did that come from... was it inserted, do they have the ability to make you dream such things... I do not think so.

I am not going to back down no matter what you do.  I see Fox messing with me.  I also think, you have no idea when I lied to you and when I told you the truth... and I did mess with you, thinking only spies saw me.  The feeling of mortification that fills me at the thought off being seen by all those people sickens me.  I am very private.  To be paraded in front of the world at my very worst, as my world fell apart and I was alice in wonderland.  First you made me a pirate, when I would not accept stolen money or blood money, you thought I was crazy... went ahead and became pirates.   I had no idea what you were doing behind my back, though I saw signs that terrified me all the time.  Hated the red eye saying TOTAL RECALL when I began to remember being Christ.   I was a long way from knowing what that means, or the place of such a being in this world.  God is the word, and the word is God.
Not actions.  Words.  Words which propel, or stop, action.  Premeditation before action...

I am tired of seeing Ophra and obama together.  Is he a Nazi, too?  Is that what happened...  God, the thought sickens me, though..  I guess they all try to get along.  That is what is best, keep the common goal in mind... as long as it is remembered that various voices will decide the future, not one.  No one is supreme, or chosen.

I assumed you knew all these things because I wrote them, then come to find out that you saw me bitching at the spies.. I guess I began doing that in my writing, too...

YOUR PEOPLE ARE AFRAID

i HEARD one night and I crumbled inside, saying you have nothing to fear from me....  I had no idea what was going on out there.  And then the idiots in the CIA decided to make me the sacrificial lamb...  hide all of their actions behind this evil guy who did these things.  Do you really think one person could have done this... Lord, it was planned, not some huge revolution about religion. 

I was going crazy and wanted to be left alone, but then violence entered in.  Had I known what I wrote about Jeb Bush would cause him harm I never would have said such a thing.  I would not operate like that...  I wanted everyone forgiven...  then Bush wanted to crown me Christ, and I thought he was crowning himself.   I could not even conceive of wanting those things, or to be king of the world, or the emperor.  When I heard the report of a man dying to get on the news THE emperor wants Colorado, I would have vehemently denied this if I had known you were taking clues from me.  They did not want me calling for a revolution, that took them by surprise, put a chink in operation bluebeam having me go along, or go along as a Christ who was here to say the church is perfect.  i WOULD NOT be here if I did not have something to say, or would not be exposed.  However dangerous that became. 

You can think of me what you want.  I cannot really care about that, though I do...  it cannot effect me unless it is something that I need to change.

There is nothing I can do if my reputation is gone.  I would not want anything to happen if people looked at me as someone to worship, or a person who wants to tell them how to live..   I could not believe there was a cult, when I hated cults so much, all my life, would never have used one, and there I was.   Or perhaps some had waited their entire lives for me to become something.   I feel I have become something as I write, feel the presence of God in the room, and the universes around me, the complexity...

ONCE

twenty twenty
with flashes of existential insight
the only understanding I have
the moment a blur in the footage


I used to write we were all raised in a maze
rat who never knew there was world outside
UNTIL I BIT the hand that fed me
Changed everything
they put me in a cage
and I saw others in cages as well


In my dreams I see humans in cages
some hauled off to die
one woman yelled I only spit on the sidewalk


I wake to knowledge much worse than
I have ever dreamt
for awhile I said OH GOD
the second I awoke every morning
to the nightmare of the intelligence world
what I had heard the day before
waking to the nightmare is not unique
happens all over the world and I am humbled
enough to know my life is a luxury compared to most
though nothing at all to the hoarding rich
counting on their stacks of Gold to defend
them against change
to buy the best soldiers
use the best psy ops
own the right people

The world wanted a God
came to me
as the mission called for
when I wrote in the voice of Jesus
calling out for a being
that I would not pretend to be


I had my mind raped by a brainwashing
three days blank to me and agnostic
to a man in touch with God....
in a trance writing religious poetry
in the voice off a pissed off Jesus


I was kept sealed in a room of lies
spies all around me who would reveal nothing
couldn't
had orders
I found out there was mayhem because of my words
on television and people passing in the streets
double meanings some places
in sealed off chicago they watched me gut
the conservative racists who let me get close enough
with my confused and THANKFULLY God chosen ways
allowed me to fuck things up
that was my job
to stop the machinery in place


I was a puppet for people
who would not reveal their intentions
because they knew
I would not follow orders
that I would follow my morals
many feared this
because our work was horrifying
beyond what you would ever see in a horror movie
no one would go as far as they did
their only audience would be the psychopaths
who see this as war
not just a senseless slaughter


I grew into a bloody monster
to fight them on common ground
to show them the consequences
in a way that would echo down the generations
now sealed away
in cia files
for fifty years
and also seen all over the world
because the mission was more of a success
than the enemy has any clue


I was
Used to push the races apart when my objective
was always the opposite, since my earliest memories


You did not count on the morality inside of me already
you idiotically took my writing to mean I lacked morals
when my morality puts yours to shame as you now know
because you have none
 though you use it to harm others
destroy their reputations


I lived with cameras for six years
they took revolting footage of me all the time
saw things
I wanted private
to rebel I lived as I would without them
i told myself/ thought that was impossible


when they released pornographic footage of me
allowed that to go everywhere


bewildered and blind
lashing out at people
who were murdered
when I meant only to debate their words
vent my anger
my sorrow for tommy smothers
and all he represents
his face I loved like his brothers
heroes of mine since childhood
he came out against what a brave man would
I had no idea what he was criticizing
just knew it had to do with my slogan
total war for total peace
his brother told me two years ago
tommy was dead, not retired...
as they say


most of the dead I have no faces for
I know their representatives
who live
a few celebrities who died because
they got in the middle of the psy op war
or offended a lot of the wrong people
one enslaved who was able to tell me
with a hit tv show
how many he represented I never knew
when he was freed from the man who bought them
he thanked me and dissed the cops
who let that kind of things slide with the elite
the Scots went in with extreme measures
helped by the marines
I told them to kill the slave owners
and give their property to the slaves
I have no idea what they really did


They were so worried I would talk
Underestimated what I do not know
and my skill at editing what will only cause more trouble
though now
that I know
my words can kill
and you have shown me evil
I will not turn away from
I have to use what I have
this is what my allies and soldiers
ask of me


I feel guilt when I think of
living in a fortress city
while others did what they were told
I wanted
as they watched a guy
they were told was an angel or god
or a demi god or jesus or a charlatan
who was causing problems
or the result of operation bluebeam
leaving their Jesus
alive
fearing the unthinkable
should they attack
at first
then finding me useful


I am attacked by the right all the time
my hidden stories addressed in ways no one
who is not in on it would get
inside jokes that are not jokes at all
that speak of hellish matters
I asked Jerrry Seinfeld's father how
he could give me this news
on a show and still laugh as he did it
he told me acting
I was devasted.


They have such control of television
I am more ignorant about what went on around me
than I understand. The little I know
left me with enough knowledge
to see politics is simply
how one group uses their power
other groups use theirs in different ways
they are criminals, deadly
KUBRICK said stay away from power...
it is dangerous
I was given power after this by communist
who share more with me politically than the groups
I met in the underground
all who tried to claim me

I was proud and honored though confused
by those who wanted me to lead them
I had no idea I was being held hostage
that there were racial issues involved
in an underground world I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT
though I was expected to know
asked questions about
that I could not answer
I have been shown what I can
and seemingly cannot do



I have no urge to piss people off
for no good reason
anymore

I will not quit writing about those who died
they deserve at least one poet to sing their song
though I am sure others
kept from me
are doing the same
after they destroyed the religious people
in detroit after driving them mad
with alleged orders from your mafia god
emperor... who told you at every turn
this is not who I am
showed you on an illicit camera from
which I had no escape
that is not who I am


I was willing to do whatever
I could to help this world
I still am
a hopeless man berift of interests
that compare to working
on the life and death matters
life and man and maybe GOD?
have asked for my help with

I did not want what I did not earn
most people do not care how they get
they accused me of hating power and money
like these were horrible things
They accused me of wanting
to kill all the blue bloods
steal their stuff
give it to my crazy followers
They tell me tales of cannabalism
orders to kill humans and kill themselves
my words taken out of the context
used in ways I would not have dreamt of
the comedy got me the platform
the offer of the radio show and movie making
came from this
the movement

I meant to start
woud help unions
help stop the war
get pot legalized
tell the kids about the left
as the democrats betrayed them
lead marches
my handlers wanted the world
believed in this angel this Christ.
some/I believed
to the extent my politics became lost
in a dream of bringing peace and freedom
thru war


I went from wanting to run a peaceful
campaign leading to revolutionary changes
to finding ou that the world I operated in
did not exist.... there was a hidden, real world
available with just a few words as the key
my plan meant nothing there
they murderred the peaceful
protest signs against mercenaries
highly trained and skilled at mass killings


backed by an efficent method
of disposing of all the bodies piling up
seth rogen made a film about sausages
I cannot watch it
I saw his this is the end
where the character based on me
the guy who everyone saw masterbate
appalling me enough I lost forty pounds
could not eat
sickened by everyone's reaction
still under the delusion that the people
monitoring me were enemies, spies
who else would do this to me?
I thought at the time
not knowing they were stealing
free will from people
who I cared about
as I do for those who
see something compelling
in my writing

my readers who others told
I wished them to dress certain ways
take a vision I had of returning to spirit
and how the angels who greet me nod silently
which I meant happened after death
to making people think there were angels
no matter how bad they acted
to become mute

OH COME ON
is the name of David Crosses new tour
he refers to me in the first joke
misquotes me and lies about me
or misunderstands my message?

I was not impressed with the strength of the Jews
do not think they secretly run the world
some are part of the oligarchy
so are white Christian raised people
they are all green a morals to me

I cannot tell anymore how the Jews see me
I have acted in ways that...
defy any associations I have
I always will


difference is now I do not care
if we think differently
as long as we act as one
against an enemy
who may have already won


I write on and on everyday
about the same things
thinking often of how Obama himself
mocked me for saying I LOVE EVERYONE
he had seen my critical writing
had no idea what was going on
in my heart and head and soul

I despise what humans do
though I never kid myself into thinking
I am all that much better
I just hope some poor bastard does not try
to reinvent the tire in that particular manner


In God's eye
I look the same
as you in the end
for all I know
souls
that struggle thru the unimaginable
to find love

Deep Stirrings

I feel lightening and fire low in my gut
ready to explode and flow across the planet
turn earth and sky into death

still feel like I am only a bomb
the messenger of worlds end
bringer of freedom for all spirits to fly

a message of forgiveness for everywhere

 a conformation you are soul and can be
unencumbered by the gravity of life
sucking us back here
again and again

is this a soul trap I wondered once
that gives us a harsh life
until it dies
all for reasons I cannot begin to dream of
or random chaos in a mess of space
bits of matter coalescing throughout infinite time
into every conceivable form
our lives on earth one fleeting spark in the dark of space
unseen and gone as if we never happened
molecules that gathered once now adrift
never again to assume the same patterns
in infinity
where everything can forever begin anew

the religions wanted me once
Now they call me a fallen angel
though I denied being an angel from the start
I wish I had never uttered the word
wish I had never made the mistake of making people believe
I wished their lives regimented by me
HAD i KNOWN

Echoes forever in my mind
I am never far from mourning and regret and horror

I think of all the blood spilled by my ignorance
you kept me imprisoned
for reasons I never suspected

I could not accept who i am to you
I tried to see myself as you did and am blinded
by the horrors I remember when the sword was picked up
and those I merely meant to criticize fell victim
to people who took the revolution I wrote of
to be theocracy

The Jesus in me was a rebel against you all
And the intrusions made into my life by hollywood
and television ...  God, had I known you were broadcasting me

when I found out I went crazy

it was the sight of me in my green robe standing in front of my dresser
set in the only empty spot in the apartment
that drove home to me that all along average people
were watching me
not just spies
or....

worshiping me
and they were racking in the money
I thought I might get some of that until I found out
what I was famous for
atrocities under my watch
failure to give orders when asked
infamous

Still I went out in the end and fought for the president
who thought he was my enemy
or was in the secret world I knew nothing about

You gave me years of hints and used my life until
I just gave up on the two ever
meeting, the tv world and my real life
there were unsettling moments
like the summer differently dressed people were showing up in the park
I had said something about people being brought in to meet me if they wanted
but it had to be everyone not just rich people
at the time I believed and knew most of the time
still drifting in and out of the Christ
becoming
took ten years
a decade
because my teachers were afraid to impart their secrets

U gave me a choice
said here is the way the world works
come on in
but know you gonna see shit
 you can do nothing about
from your mansion on the hill

I decided to turn away from your Gold and look up into the skies
knowing there is another watching
seeing
there will be another day
when this moment is forgotten
I am clean
gravitating toward a force of love
far from here
I did what was morally right and was mocked
burn the money I told them
wishing to show this world is temporary
make a statement
I had no idea how much money was there
was thinking too irrationally
to realize much good could have been done
too uninformed
too invested in fighting
the people bugging me
putting my life on tv
I hated that
to think
my
life
was
watched
I made the best of it
I rise to the occasion to survive
I would never subject a human
to such torture
when you said I wanted that
I wanted to kill you so bad
I still feel hate when I think of this
I did not understand at the time why
at on point yo you ma liked me
and the next turned on me
you kept me so ignorant


I felt for awhile like there is a path to God
with enemies along the way
that a shepherd was needed to get there
before the big bang
now
freed perhaps
because of the pain of your planets
the sympathy of a God
done in his time from a place with no time
a God who sends
a bit of a helper
out

who gets called a son
though unworthy in a way
you will only understand when you see
what I have seen
the immensity of the physical apparition
given as an icon
created as a machine
I have no idea
maybe a higher form
created a place of refuge for souls

another mystery out there
though one that would no longer bother us
the love left saying more then we could ever understand
we know

I still cannot deny I AM

Deep in my core, I know I am the one called the son of God, and other names throughout my various lives.   I have been all sorts of humans for all sorts of reasons, usually to protect the weak, free slaves, or be a slave who comforts or martyrs for others, or...  I do not send soldiers on assignments I would not do myself, other tasks I would ask of no one except myself, because no one should be ordered to do what I have done.  Too cruel for me to do, though there is nothing too cruel for the intelligence agencies and revolutionaries and religions that were sucked into the vortex of my being introduced to the world.

The religious voice in a crowd.  Supposed to be an actor who would play the bibles Jesus,  or maybe change it....   When this first started, I put out a poem called Forgive Everyone... and was amazed by the reaction.  I did not know until later, they expected people to be put to death.   They had basically just taken over the world, and I was part of their mission.  Until I blew it up in their face to a degree...

I write this knowing that there may be no way for me to ever walk among you again untainted by what I have done, and worse yet, what I set in motion.   I can understand being the demon in your tale, the one who mesmerized you with a show on the web.... once someone sent me an address, said they thought they saw me.. it brought nothing up, of course.   If I had accessed it, this would have ended, they knew that. 

I cannot tell you how I mourn for the dead and the living.  I tried to do what God wanted, in circumstances that had I knew what was going on, I would have acted differently.   Though I know this is hard to accept, or digest, and maybe I am wrong, but I do not think so at all...  the group behind me was not meant to take over this planet.   If you were part of them, I understand, but most of you were brought in under false premises.... and the race war, that was nothing I would have ever wanted.  You could have told me I was leading whites with beliefs I do not share, as long as they were not in a race war....  and this would have played out differently, but no. 

I regret that I had to expose myself to this world, seemingly, before I could be criticized enough to get the truth off what was going on.   I see now how hard all of you worked, the effort that went into all of this, how much good you wanted to do, and how surprised and betrayed you must have felt by me.   I could not take the mantles though.   I did not buy that all these people thought I was Jesus, because of the shitty way I was treated.

I am grateful God did not allow criminals to take over the earth... glad he kept me ignorant.  Glad I made the wrong decisions because of this ignorance.   I am horrified by what my work spawned, though I am also hopeful we can take the country to the left, still...   I was heartened when after all this, the kids want socialism.   That was unheard of before our efforts.   This can be nurtured.  I do not want the dead to have died in vain, or the spirit of revolution, if not God, to be destroyed by my actions...

I pray I can still be of service in the context I have explained, and of course you know, some, i am in a position to do so.  Should the occasion arise, though I am much less bloody than I was when I thought I was fighting for my life against monolithic powers I could not comprehend.   When I sat in my rose garden smoking weed, while all around my high walls blood was shed in my name.  People were put into slavery, an worked as slaves, all in my name.   The people have to be won over by revolutionaries, not destroyed by them....  but I knew nothing of your divisions....   the stupidity and lies of the media came home to roost...
when that was all I knew.

There are battles I wish we had taken on for the right reasons, England to free the people, return the Gold, stop BP from pirating the world.  To stop war would have been a reason to do many things I did not think I had the ability to have a voice in, when my bathroom shower curtain was filled with roaches each morning, and both my cats died as a result of spraying.   I sure felt like I was making decisions for anyone...  Lord.   I had a lot of mental walls built up around me, by people I wanted to trust, to hold onto as the reality in this unreal world... I speak of when this first started.

In the end, I do not recognize what this became, and never saw myself as the agency in these actions, except when the trains and car crashes started be talking of... I thought they were signs I did something wrong, but I had no idea what...  I pray that was faked.   Just like Ralph was a fictional creation.  I know otherwise.   I would heal you if I knew how, though I have never tried such a thing.  My thinking is much more scientific than most people who are prone toward believing in Jesus.

I know India and Ireland felt harsher hatred than I did.... I was just slamming the monarchy, as I always did, thinking I was ignored again...   I remembered in 07 when they called me out for insulting the queen, but Jesus hardly gave a damn about such things.   I did not know the ramifications of my words...  if I had, I would have concentrated on the states, first, and not went anywhere else.   We could have done nothing though, more than likely, because there is too much dissension among people.

Can this be over come again?   They tell me I brought everyone together at first, then it fell apart.   They said, YOU USED TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT COLLAGES...  THEY meant metaphorically, I started making actual collages, not great ones, that did not help at all.  I have the city terrified to this day I am going to harm them, due to the scientific side of me...  or the religious side of me -- which is what I fear, the lava and lightening I saw in my vision flowing from my body, that takes out everything...  I do not want this to be that life...  that mercy killing, or soul culling, or whatever.   God is in charge of that.  I would not begin to know how to trigger such a thing.   Just my religious belief, nothing to be alarmed over.

People fear death, so they fear the end of the world.  I do not fear death, got my evidence there are souls by astral projecting, meeting a ghost, and being sent dreams that came true too many times for coincidence, though not brainwashing.    I know I was brainwashed into having the Jesus voice, but this did not change me in my deepest morals, they were always the same... they gave me a context I would have never chosen, being Jesus.   They also told some I was an alien.   Hmmm.   I told them both were true, but not in the ways they thought.

I saw supernatural introduce a character trying to tell me people were doing the things I wrote about, which they would later do with Castiel and others.  Thankful to them, I am.  They go thru great stress, just knowing about these things, though they told me hard truths, i was not often ready to accept them as true.   The episode was hard to write, because they were introducing God, though not saying it at the time, who they based on me to the point that when he left, he was writing a book about revolution, like I was...  it is interesting they got rid of God.   There is never a Jesus in any of these.. I sometimes wonder if that is the Jewish bias, or just that he would be superman with no one to counter him, so no conflict.

I keep thinking of Jessica Jones on netflix, a superhero show, where a character was based on me, who manipulated all these people, and... wore purple -- purple and yellow were the colors they used for me the most, the son and the king...  I did not like the King part...  and they quickly enough did not want me for the Disney King... always monarchies in those, because they have one in the underground I suppose.  Or did.   Anyways, in this episode they had him end with gays, who supported me throughout, but stayed with me longer than most, after things got bad, because I had said they were angels at one point, having no idea how seriously I was going to be taken, in an attempt to stop teen suicide rates among gays....  I should have cleared that up, but...  I did not think my life was happening.  I thought two people knew about me... and then others knew something, more than me...  some...

I just wanted to say, once more, john cusack, I can say I am not God the father, but I cannot say I am not Jesus, or that this means something.....  what it means, and why I am here is unclear to me, though I am going to assume it is to clean up as much of the earthly problems as possible.  God is in charge of what happens to souls, and everything else.   A cop out it sounded like coming from me.... 

When I first started hearing what happened, I said God did this....  I have come around to MEN did this....  God is behind the ultimate plan maybe, but maybe part of it is establishing justice on earth.....

THE GOD OF MANY MASKS

I called myself this.  Later it was used against me.  Amazing how everything that makes sense to me, and others, is the most vilified.  I believe I have reincarnated over and over, and have been the inspiration for various religions, which were once the history, science, and...  everything else rolled together;  a Holy Man was was expected to know medical matters during most of the life of humans.  I have memories of this life and they are tied back to memories of the many ways we practiced in the past.  See from my perspective bits of the lives I led, just whatever helpst me to understand something, or a primitive manner we did things, which I hoped to be used metaphorically, as inspiration.

I wrote from the context of a mind that had no clear sense of how I was effecting the world, or how intensely I was being watched.  I thought my name was unknown except to the folks in the media, and spies and governments, but that I was a caste away at that point, and I was fighting to be heard when I felt silenced;   fighting to be seen when I seemed invisible;   a plan to keep me ignorant because I would not go along with crime, ended with me thinking I was alone and surrounded by hostile armies.  No matter how nice some people were to me, Steven Colbert especially.  I had no idea at the time that represented two groups, though he obviously held the same reverence I have for the farm workers, and others who have had to fight hard for the basic necessities in capitalism, and still were getting sprayed with Chemicals last I heard.

From the start, Colbert and Stewart were huge parts of my communicating with the masses.  I would have listened to both of you more if I knew what was going on.  How you went on with this sickening mess surrounding you, deserves medals and honors and history books.  I know you both worked for some people who were not what they seemed, or you agreed to go along with...  though you expected me to choose between the various people of the earth.  In some race.  In the end it was called a race, and cars are still used in the means they communicate whom my allies are. 

Any metaphor, any description, cannot bring on the pain unless you were there.   I was told.  That was horrible enough.  Those of you who followed what you were told was me, were caught in a cult that I did not know about, though I joked about such a thing...  thirty years ago I wrote a long, joking letter about having a cult.  After studying them a bit.  No expert.  I had read about them and never understood the certainty it would take to turn myself fully over to a religion.  All of them applied contextually alone....

Religion is a tool.  A hammer.  It can be used to build houses for the people -- notice I do not say Church -- or it can be used to kill.  When attacked physically, fine.  When killing for doctrine, never. 

I see the bible, perhaps, was the inspiration for some of the confusion people had with me.  I am not the guy in the bible, though I show a lot of his traits, most of what is in there never happened.  I find a few clues left through all the holy books, like the golden rule, which all the major ones have passages about, because this is the first rule of humanity, and can be spoken without words by strangers.

Tribes tried to live by this.  They got along when they did.  Sometimes, those who would not follow the laws prospered.  Sometimes they became kings, for awhile.  At first the people would rise up from all around the law breaker, and destroy them.   Then they got too powerful, I suppose, in the end, now that crime is hidden from the eyes of the people.  Now they can do nothing about their corrupt systems, for the most part. though in some parts of the world, that think of citizens over corporations, at heart....  there could be a solution.   In the underground, which I barely understand, know only they tried to use me in operation bluebeam, brainwashed me into thinking I am Jesus... or they awakened Jesus, as I have written, by an Ironic God who chose to send the one creature who would not accept their bribes, could not be corrupted in the end. 

From another perspective, I am a person who was involved in a revolution, or which the party that first started it, was stopped by me,  and I then gained unheard powers in a life and death situation, where people were killing for God.  Lowering the population by murder and suicide. I made jokes when I wrote comedy in a character about this, though in fact I would never have thought anyone was contemplating a genocide..   I had no great knowledge of the intelligence agencies, read enough to know they were evil, pretty much, causing wars all over the earth to fight the philosophy they would never allow a chance, Socialism.  James Agee, read him in high school, one of the first to really expose the CIA,, had to live in Cuba to be safe.  Long ago now since anyone like him has come along, and they would never allow his book to make the best sellers list that is for sure.

The peoples movements were attacked, as now the one percent is attacking the ninety nine percent... a class war that the wounded and dying do not even realize they are on a battlefield. 

Fallen Angels... AND the Myth Goes on

The references to fallen angels is  all over the media;  an issue being dealt with or shown in a particular lying way to people and me,  that I believe encompasses those who became caught up in OPERATION BLUEBEAM, where a man with a plan had no idea he was in another's plan.   I could not lead a religion and never felt like I was, and when I DID HAVE TO I probably gave you the wrong advice.   My response to asking me to go to war will always be why?

I was looked at as a pirate and a criminal for awhile, though this was never my intent.  No image I have ever meant to show people...  was immoral, to me.  We certainly have different sensibilities, but when I have been filmed for years, in the bathroom and bedroom and one act is taken out of context and used to attack me enough to learn the truth.  Thank God I did learn enough to

 try to stop some of the damage, though things were far out of my hands from the start.


Regardless, this country needed action.  You took it. Some of you I feel were misguided by believing I would give you orders contrary to your own free will.   I would not do this in any major way, and certainly not to the level things were taken.  I am on this earth to write scripture now.   The cosmology I believe, though at the same time, if there are still those who need my sword than I have to be there, as well

I am not very hopeful for humankind over-all.  We may  be doomed from weather changes to a future of hellish lives for most, while a select few live in gated towns and cities.  Floating cities, if the oceans are not too rancid or unpredictable.   I have n

I have another blog where I called the people who followed me a cult... an over simplification to correct.

I do not look at people who believed in me as evil.  I do not see them as unforgivable.  I see them as led by wolves wearing the blessing of a sheep they never had.  Picking up a sword that was never yours to wield as one gent said in an astute song.   I went to listen to a song that gives me strength, and utube put up in the middle the verde verde song about how I USED TO RULE TO WORLD, NOW I SWEEP THE STREETS.  This was about me, because I would not go along with their charade.  They want Christ, they get Christ... not a follower of blasphemy, a criminal, a...

The Mafia Christ, deadly spy working undercover, using a cult of people to take over the secret world...  no, just a puppet of other guys, whose plans I screwed up, thank God.  They did not tell me what they were doing, which drove me mad.   People thought I came up with all this on my own, and only later was it revealed I was a product of intelligence meddling my entire life, because of my Grandfathers spy status as an underground, rebel Scottish king.  Whatever the truth is does not matter to me about what I can only speculate about.

I have enough truth I know about first hand without speculating... in fact that is like putting myself on the rack, thinking about their crimes against humanity.  I will learn more before this over, and God knows I may change my mind again about who is doing Justice, and who is selfishly breaking the Golden Rule.  I am no nut about things, let their be multi millionaires, and after that tax the hell out of them... but the fortunes of the billionaires and trillionaires were acquired by crimes, and should be confiscated.  This requires a world wide effort.  Two of the super powers agree with me.   I live in the belly of the beast that backs up the oligarchy.

Ah, I explain things to you, who I am trying to talk to...   who know who I am.   This is not a belief that has changed within me.   What this being is, that is another story all together, long lost to lies and rewrites... play telephone once, and you can understand what happened.  Still, I left messages to myself, words gentle people could live by in the new testament... words of war, they needed during the old testament.  The warrior Jesus was removed mostly from the New Testament, and the latest evidence shows he died a revolutionary, between two other Zealots, as they called them.  Thieves were not crucified during this time, their hands were cut off...

I do not know yet how to write to an audience that knows everything and more about my situation.  I have to battle shame, horror, grief, and every other emotion associated with confronting the death of loved ones.  I am sorry that people forced others into anything....  part of the plan, not mine.    By the time you really came to me and said what should we do, I was so out of touch with the world I had no answers at all.   You thought I was aware of so much....   a conversation could have changed the world many times over in my life.  To not even have been granted this one reprieve...  well, I expect the worst.

I do not want to abandon the people who believed in my vision of this world.   The take I believe God inspired within me, though these were the words... not my life.  I AM THE WORD.  The flesh is just a man I am a soul passing thru, on a task.  Maybe I am here to hold the hand of a dying earth, or maybe I am here to save earth from dying?   My dream world is unlikely to come about, though this does not mean that I will not dream it, because my dreams have come true before, as if the fantasies alone brought about crazed things that I never in a million years thought would happen, that came true.   In dark ways, never with the outcome I wanted.

I will never tell you that I matter in a spiritual way.  God is so much greater than I am...  you cannot compare us.  I am an emissary. What such labels mean is nothing in the spirit world.  Equality is a given.  Thrones and crowns and monarchies are for humans.  The way they have created civilizations, not the ways of the invisible world.   People use the bible to hold up their way of thinking, ruling.

The bibles are political now.  They can be aimed like a gun, at anyone, pretty much, with the right passage... or forgive anyone and say do not judge with another passage.  

I want to bring all of you on a journey, with a very different beginning... but revolutions and often religions are created in violence.  Does  new passage of teaching have to replace everything that comes before?   No, merely some of the bible is right... messages I sent to myself,  I used to think, as  I opened the bible to eerily close to my situation passages.